Your emotions are always with you yet you are too seldom with them in the busy-ness of your average day. So this is where you start - take time to be with your emotions so you build emotional resilience - which is just a nice way of saying learning to work with, control and constructively use and embrace your emotions. So let's look at how you can operate from the Upward Spiral of Courage when building emotional resilience:
Stay true to "ideal self"
I challenge you to consider how you want ideal self to play out from an emotional resilience perspective - do you sometimes let emotions get the better of you and 'fire off' the first words that come to mind using a defensive argument or angry tone of voice? Now if you want to be known as an encouraging and courageous leader who inspires people to bring ideas to them - then allowing emotions to get the better of you in any situation is counterproductive to your aspiration!
Start by getting to know yourself better - identify your emotional triggers and related physiological changes. Your bodies change physiologically when you feel emotions so learn to recognise these changes, what triggers them and learn to handle them. When you are angry or fearful a greater proportion of blood is diverted away from the problem solving part of your brain to the extremities to prepare you beautifully for a brawl! Not good business behaviour. This is why you must spend time developing emotional resilience. For example I feel my neck getting hot and I feel the heat spread to my cheeks and this signals me an emotion has been triggered! Learning how to use these emotional triggers as early warning signals and refraining from the irrational responses used in the 'heat of the moment' has truly strengthened my leadership capability.
Make decisions
Once you know your physiological changes start deciding when to keep disruptive emotions in check. Aim to use your emotions constructively. Do not hand them over to others - do not let others find and push your buttons!
Decide when you are ready to use your emotions and decide when the time is right for you to 'assert' these emotions. When you 'assert' emotions you maintain self respect, satisfy your needs and make your needs known to other people without abusing or dominating their needs.
Have conversations
Emotional resilience is about engaging in real conversations where you share how you are feeling without judging someone else or blaming someone. You take full responsibility for your feelings and the impact they have on you. You do this by using "I statements" and having confidence to label your emotion. Challenge yourself to use a wide array of words - like exhilerated, disappointed, happy, sad, angry, furious, excited, inspired, passionate, shocked.
Get prepared to be challenged
Be aware that people may not be ready for the new emotionally resilient you so it may take them some time to accept what you start sharing. They may jump into a defensive reaction and want to blame you, judge you or justify their actions and this is an incredibly challenging and vulnerable position to be in.
A wonderful colleague of mine once shared that when people do this remember they are coming from a place of great fear so do not judge them, instead nurture, encourage and empathise. Then stand back and see the difference in their next reaction!
Embrace change
Know this is going to be tough and every bone in your body screams that it is so much easier to just blame others for your feelings. The very essence of emotional resilience is that you must take total responsibility for your emotions. It is a bitter pill to swallow to recognise that no one can make you feel something you do not want to feel. I remember telling my 3 year old daughter that I was not making her angry - she was choosing to be angry and it stopped her dead in her tracks!!!! I wanted her to take control over her emotions in preparation for the tough world she needs to grow up in!
